[After waking up the morning after his conversation with Hajime, he's filled with a lot of worry and self doubt. At the time, it didn't feel like it was incredibly big, but like everything he does, he didn't forecast how wide those ripples would resonate outward.
And honestly, all he feels is a pitted knot in his stomach, guilt that he had said more than he needed to- guilt that he'd betrayed the Phantom Thieves, again with his lack of discretion. He's panicking, and even if there are steps already taken to mitigate, he owes it to Haru not to let her get sideswiped. He owes Haru a lot more than that, too, and as he beats himself over it, he heads towards her room, so close to his own, and yet... every step feels like a mile.
Shit.
Ryuji knocks, out of habit, and remembers that the door's unlocked. He takes a deep breath into his lungs, and lets himself in.]
[She's sitting on the edge of the bed that she a Makoto share, and she already prepared to have a chair pulled up to where the two of them could face each other. Like she's expecting a long conversation....about something. She doesn't know what.
She has fear that this is a bad conversation, of course. But Ryuji is her friend and she was going to be here to support her friend no matter what.]
[Okay, the chair is kind of... intimidating, to say the least. Ryuji sucks in on his bottom lip, looking at her and trying not to be distracted by the other goings ons of being in a girl's room to begin with. Not that it matters, really, he just felt like he was not only invading on something personal, but also interrupting her more than just... well, this potentially disastrous interruption to begin with.
He stands there, awkwardly, arm hanging down uselessly to his side as his other hand clasps around the outside edge of his elbow.]
I... [am an idiot, yes.]
I can't keep my mouth shut. [He figures it's actually not a bad idea to sit after all? Haru's foresight was leagues ahead of his own, of course. But since it's Ryuji, he turns it backwards and sits in it reverse, covering his chest with the backboard of the seat.]
Hajime knows. I wound up tellin' him everything last night.
[Well, she just figured that Ryuji would want somewhere to sit if this conversation was going to become something more serious. And by the sound of it? It's going that way quickly.
She waits for him to spit it out before giving any sort of reaction.
Though her first reaction isn't a good one. Initially she looks a little afraid of what the means for all of them. Lowering her head into her hands for a moment. Rubbing at her eyes.
But she takes a deep breath and pulls it back together.]
[That's the worst part of all of this. That he opened up the pathway for Haru to be hurt, and it's clearly written on Ryuji's face as his eyebrows cave downward, his usually perky features are downtrodden- like a dog coming home with its tail between its legs. He knows he's let her down, and he can't live with that. He can't live with himself if he knows that he's put Haru in a bad position.
He swallows- seeing her rub her face like that... Ryuji's immediate reaction is earnest and clean, without reservation.]
I'm really sorry. I totally fucked everything up.
[Breathing inward, he doesn't even know where to begin.]
Hajime said that you told him about your dad, so I thought it meant... y'know, that you told him, and then it kinda just tumbled downward... from there. Shit. Haru... I.
I'm just sorry. I shouldn't have said anything. It was your story to tell... if you ever wanted to tell it. I don't wanna cause you... or anyone pain...
[And Ryuji shouldn't kid himself right now. Haru is extremely hurt. Wounds opened that she didn't want opened right now. Losing her Father was still very fresh in her mind and to have it brought up yet again just as she had thought she was finished with the grieving process.
Was that really ever over when you lose a parent?]
It is partially my own fault then. I want Hajime-san to understand the reason I didn't have trust for adults. I... really should have told the rest of you that I spoke to him.
[Her voice is quiet, still as calm and even as she can manage in this intense moment.]
[It's not your fault - he wants to yell it at the top of his lungs, but thankfully, he actually knows that it's not the time or the place to do it. He doesn't know how to console Haru or even make amends for the thing that he did; the last time he tried to make something like this happen, the rest of the track team wound up beating the shit out of him. Haru doesn't look like she would be the type to do that over her own sadness, so Ryuji stands up from the chair that's offered, and takes a step forward.
He measures the air between them, trying to figure out if it's alright to sit next to her, and if she looks like she'll have him, he'll try to take a stance that isn't adversarial to her own position.]
Haru...
[He needs to fix this. He opened the bandaid against skin that wasn't ready to be exposed again.]
Ren said that we should take the opportunity to tell people stuff like this since we're trained not to do it, even when it needs to be said. But. Uhm. I love you, y'know?
You shouldn't have to go through this. I'm sorry. I mean. Not just for what I did. But for how effed up the world is to put you through that pain.
[Luckily for Ryuji, Haru is a lot softer and a lot kinder than the track team. Beating the snot out of Ryuji wasn't something that she thought would fix anything. To her? That would fix nothing.
What would fix it is if they could figure out a way to make this better together.]
...
[She allows him to sit next to her, the closeness welcome. She feels grounded when her friends are here. Even if her friends may have been the cause of her hurt. Ryuji meant no harm, and she knows that. She can't be mad at him when he didn't mean to hurt her again.
She looks to him once she realizes exactly what he said.]
Ryuji-kun...
[Her hands find his, it has more meaningful this way.]
I love you too. I don't say often how appreciative I am or how much I truly love the rest of you. But please never doubt my feelings.
[She squeezes.] This is why we're changing the world for the better, right? This is why we keep our heads up and keep going. No matter how much we hurt. We hurt so that others don't have to, right?
That was something that hits him, deep, and hard. It's moments like these that will always be etched into the back of his eyelids when he's falling asleep, thinking on whether or not it was worth it in the end. If anything was worth it at all, really. There's a small squeeze back to Haru's hand that increases in pressure to show that he agrees, wholeheartedly.]
I never doubted you for a second, dude.
[And it's true- he knows a few universal truths in the world (keyword: few). One of those constants is Haru's sheer ability to be completely true to herself. Ryuji's shoulders slump a little bit. They were absolutely stronger together rather than individually. The Phantom Thieves were greater by the sum of their hearts, not the talents of each of the members; because, god, these kids were faulted and thoroughly fucked in so many departments.]
Yeah... but we ain't superheroes. We're just teens. There's only so much we can take before we crack.
Sometimes, I think I forget that. You know, the part where you just reminded me that we are just teenagers. A group of kids trying to change a world too far gone and riddled in deceit and backstabbing.
[Haru sounds a little bitter, she is. There is no mistaking that she will always be bitter about everything she endured. But she is one to stand tall and to move on when needed. Her friends needed her, so her bitterness would have to wait.
Ryuji? Ryuji needed Haru right now. He needed her reassurance, the promise she wasn't mad at him. Their bond and trust that they will do better. None of them are perfect. All of them are flawed; Ren,Yusuke, Makoto— they are just as beautiful and flawed as the two of them.]
I don't regret anything we're doing. I'll never be angry with you for a misunderstanding, okay?
There's always stuff we can do to make the world a better place.
[Out of anyone in the group, Haru is probably the one whose teenaged years have been robbed the most out of any of them, right? Whereas Ryuji could just hit up the arcade on the weekend, Haru was attending various corporate events at the behest of her father. When Ren could visit the batting cages, she was probably writing thank you letters to people. When Yusuke was being Yusuke and doing god know's what, probably staring at a bird on a lake for 3 hours straight in the pouring rain, Haru was balancing multiple lives on one hand and shit, that must have been tiring.
Ryuji's not convinced that the world is too far gone. Maybe pockets of it were, but he had to believe that, at the core, humanity had redeeming qualities. Otherwise it was all futile and everything that they had worked for didn't mean diddly squat for Tokyo or the people that lived there.
For a second, he sits there, taking some of those thoughts in, oddly quiet in his usual resolve to change the mood wherever he goes. This feels right, though. It can't be all ridiculous stuff back to back to back. They needed the capacity to vent and explain the problems that they all had been harboring deep down. Lord knows, some of that attitude might've saved them some grief back home.]
Okay. I... thanks. For goin' easy on my loud mouth ass.
It isn't going easy on you. It is finding it in myself to forgive you. There will never be any doubt in our friendship. I will always forgive you even for the biggest mistakes. This mistake just happened to involve the both of us, a misunderstanding, and a secret getting out that didn't need to be out.
[Haru is the toughest emotionally, sometimes. Hard to read because she has lived such the life she has lived. not trusting until very recently.
She doesn't want Ryuji to think he will lose her trust so easily.]
[It's pretty obvious that out of anyone in the group, Haru has more emotional intelligence than any of these dumb boys do, who can't even bring it to themselves to stop shitting the pool and talk about the stuff that actually bothers them. It always ends up in a circle of trying to support the other without speaking directly from the inside and it... it gets kind of old after a while.
He doesn't think too much of her correcting him, either. She's right, of course. It's forgiving, not condoning, but honestly, Ryuji knows how that operates at such an intrinsic level that he doesn't even have something in response to it. It's just acceptance. He's quick to forgive, himself. All it ever took was a "sorry, dude" and things were back to normal. And when he messes up? He tells people to punch him around until it makes them feel better.
But he can breathe now, and it's better like this. Getting stuff out in the open, not keeping things back. It was still the right thing to do, he has no doubt about that.]
So, uh... speakin' of moving forward... You didn't happen to find any presents from Destinyland hangin' around your room, right? [There's a pair of monkey ears with his name on it that he's too embarrassed to keep around.
It's somewhat contextual too. Up until the moment that it wasn't, Destinyland was one of the best memories he's ever had. And guess who was the one who provided that backdrop? Haru, of course.]
[Her emotional intelligence is really only much more recent. Before she met the Phantom Thieves there was no way that Haru would have been this open and this forgiving. She has been hurt too many times in the past.
Haru won't punch Ryuji, and she won't push him away either. It just wasn't how you fixed problems. Not how she wanted to deal with her problems either. Ryuji became such a vital part in her life and she was unwilling to let him go. It didn't matter to her how many mistakes that he ended up making.]
[He knows that, mostly. If the team were really "eye for an eye," then they'd all be a whole hell of a lot blinder than they already are. And man, there's nothing worse in the world that the thought of someone hurting Haru. It's enough to make Ryuji see red and start charging like a bull.
But, right. Destinyland. That's a thing he wanted to bring up-]
I found my monkey ears in my cupboard the other day. Was wonderin' if more of that stupid shit showed up. [He didn't actually think it was stupid, though. He held them in his hands for a while, stared at them, and remembered the day they had together when he was wearing them.
In fact--]
I dunno. They kinda reminded me of everything. Y'know... it's gonna sound dumb sayin' it now, but I think that's pretty much when it really felt like you were a part of the group. I mean, you joined up earlier and no regrets on any of that stuff. Uh. Maybe... well, the Morgana shit was lame, but. I mean... That's pretty much when I decided that you're a person I'd go out of my way to protect, even if my life depended on it.
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branchandroot
no subject
Date: 2018-06-25 05:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-06-25 05:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-06-25 06:01 pm (UTC)And honestly, all he feels is a pitted knot in his stomach, guilt that he had said more than he needed to- guilt that he'd betrayed the Phantom Thieves, again with his lack of discretion. He's panicking, and even if there are steps already taken to mitigate, he owes it to Haru not to let her get sideswiped. He owes Haru a lot more than that, too, and as he beats himself over it, he heads towards her room, so close to his own, and yet... every step feels like a mile.
Shit.
Ryuji knocks, out of habit, and remembers that the door's unlocked. He takes a deep breath into his lungs, and lets himself in.]
H-hey?
no subject
Date: 2018-06-25 06:04 pm (UTC)She has fear that this is a bad conversation, of course. But Ryuji is her friend and she was going to be here to support her friend no matter what.]
Hey. Sit down? Tell me what is going on?
no subject
Date: 2018-06-25 06:09 pm (UTC)He stands there, awkwardly, arm hanging down uselessly to his side as his other hand clasps around the outside edge of his elbow.]
I... [am an idiot, yes.]
I can't keep my mouth shut. [He figures it's actually not a bad idea to sit after all? Haru's foresight was leagues ahead of his own, of course. But since it's Ryuji, he turns it backwards and sits in it reverse, covering his chest with the backboard of the seat.]
Hajime knows. I wound up tellin' him everything last night.
no subject
Date: 2018-06-27 04:33 am (UTC)She waits for him to spit it out before giving any sort of reaction.
Though her first reaction isn't a good one. Initially she looks a little afraid of what the means for all of them. Lowering her head into her hands for a moment. Rubbing at her eyes.
But she takes a deep breath and pulls it back together.]
Everything? How... did it come to that?
no subject
Date: 2018-06-28 01:47 am (UTC)He swallows- seeing her rub her face like that... Ryuji's immediate reaction is earnest and clean, without reservation.]
I'm really sorry. I totally fucked everything up.
[Breathing inward, he doesn't even know where to begin.]
Hajime said that you told him about your dad, so I thought it meant... y'know, that you told him, and then it kinda just tumbled downward... from there. Shit. Haru... I.
I'm just sorry. I shouldn't have said anything. It was your story to tell... if you ever wanted to tell it. I don't wanna cause you... or anyone pain...
no subject
Date: 2018-06-30 11:47 pm (UTC)Was that really ever over when you lose a parent?]
It is partially my own fault then. I want Hajime-san to understand the reason I didn't have trust for adults. I... really should have told the rest of you that I spoke to him.
[Her voice is quiet, still as calm and even as she can manage in this intense moment.]
What is done is done.
no subject
Date: 2018-07-02 03:07 am (UTC)He measures the air between them, trying to figure out if it's alright to sit next to her, and if she looks like she'll have him, he'll try to take a stance that isn't adversarial to her own position.]
Haru...
[He needs to fix this. He opened the bandaid against skin that wasn't ready to be exposed again.]
Ren said that we should take the opportunity to tell people stuff like this since we're trained not to do it, even when it needs to be said. But. Uhm. I love you, y'know?
You shouldn't have to go through this. I'm sorry. I mean. Not just for what I did. But for how effed up the world is to put you through that pain.
no subject
Date: 2018-07-03 05:20 am (UTC)What would fix it is if they could figure out a way to make this better together.]
...
[She allows him to sit next to her, the closeness welcome. She feels grounded when her friends are here. Even if her friends may have been the cause of her hurt. Ryuji meant no harm, and she knows that. She can't be mad at him when he didn't mean to hurt her again.
She looks to him once she realizes exactly what he said.]
Ryuji-kun...
[Her hands find his, it has more meaningful this way.]
I love you too. I don't say often how appreciative I am or how much I truly love the rest of you. But please never doubt my feelings.
[She squeezes.] This is why we're changing the world for the better, right? This is why we keep our heads up and keep going. No matter how much we hurt. We hurt so that others don't have to, right?
no subject
Date: 2018-07-05 01:28 am (UTC)That was something that hits him, deep, and hard. It's moments like these that will always be etched into the back of his eyelids when he's falling asleep, thinking on whether or not it was worth it in the end. If anything was worth it at all, really. There's a small squeeze back to Haru's hand that increases in pressure to show that he agrees, wholeheartedly.]
I never doubted you for a second, dude.
[And it's true- he knows a few universal truths in the world (keyword: few). One of those constants is Haru's sheer ability to be completely true to herself. Ryuji's shoulders slump a little bit. They were absolutely stronger together rather than individually. The Phantom Thieves were greater by the sum of their hearts, not the talents of each of the members; because, god, these kids were faulted and thoroughly fucked in so many departments.]
Yeah... but we ain't superheroes. We're just teens. There's only so much we can take before we crack.
no subject
Date: 2018-07-06 05:16 am (UTC)[Haru sounds a little bitter, she is. There is no mistaking that she will always be bitter about everything she endured. But she is one to stand tall and to move on when needed. Her friends needed her, so her bitterness would have to wait.
Ryuji? Ryuji needed Haru right now. He needed her reassurance, the promise she wasn't mad at him. Their bond and trust that they will do better. None of them are perfect. All of them are flawed; Ren,Yusuke, Makoto— they are just as beautiful and flawed as the two of them.]
I don't regret anything we're doing. I'll never be angry with you for a misunderstanding, okay?
no subject
Date: 2018-07-09 01:57 am (UTC)[Out of anyone in the group, Haru is probably the one whose teenaged years have been robbed the most out of any of them, right? Whereas Ryuji could just hit up the arcade on the weekend, Haru was attending various corporate events at the behest of her father. When Ren could visit the batting cages, she was probably writing thank you letters to people. When Yusuke was being Yusuke and doing god know's what, probably staring at a bird on a lake for 3 hours straight in the pouring rain, Haru was balancing multiple lives on one hand and shit, that must have been tiring.
Ryuji's not convinced that the world is too far gone. Maybe pockets of it were, but he had to believe that, at the core, humanity had redeeming qualities. Otherwise it was all futile and everything that they had worked for didn't mean diddly squat for Tokyo or the people that lived there.
For a second, he sits there, taking some of those thoughts in, oddly quiet in his usual resolve to change the mood wherever he goes. This feels right, though. It can't be all ridiculous stuff back to back to back. They needed the capacity to vent and explain the problems that they all had been harboring deep down. Lord knows, some of that attitude might've saved them some grief back home.]
Okay. I... thanks. For goin' easy on my loud mouth ass.
no subject
Date: 2018-07-16 06:14 pm (UTC)[Haru is the toughest emotionally, sometimes. Hard to read because she has lived such the life she has lived. not trusting until very recently.
She doesn't want Ryuji to think he will lose her trust so easily.]
We can move forward, okay?
no subject
Date: 2018-07-16 06:41 pm (UTC)[It's pretty obvious that out of anyone in the group, Haru has more emotional intelligence than any of these dumb boys do, who can't even bring it to themselves to stop shitting the pool and talk about the stuff that actually bothers them. It always ends up in a circle of trying to support the other without speaking directly from the inside and it... it gets kind of old after a while.
He doesn't think too much of her correcting him, either. She's right, of course. It's forgiving, not condoning, but honestly, Ryuji knows how that operates at such an intrinsic level that he doesn't even have something in response to it. It's just acceptance. He's quick to forgive, himself. All it ever took was a "sorry, dude" and things were back to normal. And when he messes up? He tells people to punch him around until it makes them feel better.
But he can breathe now, and it's better like this. Getting stuff out in the open, not keeping things back. It was still the right thing to do, he has no doubt about that.]
So, uh... speakin' of moving forward... You didn't happen to find any presents from Destinyland hangin' around your room, right? [There's a pair of monkey ears with his name on it that he's too embarrassed to keep around.
It's somewhat contextual too. Up until the moment that it wasn't, Destinyland was one of the best memories he's ever had. And guess who was the one who provided that backdrop? Haru, of course.]
no subject
Date: 2018-07-22 03:51 pm (UTC)Haru won't punch Ryuji, and she won't push him away either. It just wasn't how you fixed problems. Not how she wanted to deal with her problems either. Ryuji became such a vital part in her life and she was unwilling to let him go. It didn't matter to her how many mistakes that he ended up making.]
No, I haven't.
[Her brow raises, curious.] Why?
no subject
Date: 2018-07-23 04:38 am (UTC)But, right. Destinyland. That's a thing he wanted to bring up-]
I found my monkey ears in my cupboard the other day. Was wonderin' if more of that stupid shit showed up. [He didn't actually think it was stupid, though. He held them in his hands for a while, stared at them, and remembered the day they had together when he was wearing them.
In fact--]
I dunno. They kinda reminded me of everything. Y'know... it's gonna sound dumb sayin' it now, but I think that's pretty much when it really felt like you were a part of the group. I mean, you joined up earlier and no regrets on any of that stuff. Uh. Maybe... well, the Morgana shit was lame, but. I mean... That's pretty much when I decided that you're a person I'd go out of my way to protect, even if my life depended on it.