[ The door's open. When at least one of them is in he and Ryuji have an open door policy and if possible that goes double for fellow Thieves.
Occupation: Ren. Sitting on the edge of his bed on the bottom bunk and looking for all the world like he's been hollowed out on the inside, gaping, empty vistas behind his normally bright eyes. If he cared to look up for more than a few seconds to confirm who he already knows is here. ]
When the music was going. And I couldn't stop myself from telling him. Cuz I couldn't have him think I hated Ryuji, you know? I was avoiding everyone because I didn't want something bad to happen and it did anyway...
[ Here Ren starts losing his grip on his composure. Sleep did him good; hell it did them all good, but it doesn't fix anything. It just delays the hangover from the night before, so to speak.
He leans forward and buries his face into his hands without another word. ]
You aren't making much sense, Ren-kun. You told Ryuji you didn't hate him... or?
[When Ren tries to close himself into that world, Haru won't let him. Pulling his hands away from his face. Holding him steady. She said she would support him.]
Ren looks her as dead on as he can but it isn't saying much. How small he feels is reflected wholly in the broken line of his shoulders, how his hands go limp in her grip and his face is doubtlessly starting to crumble. A lip wobble, then a clenched mouth line, then the first drops framing it. ]
Oh. Rejection. Rejection when you are that tired must be tenfold. Perhaps Ren would have handled it more gracefully or not said anything at all if they hadn't been awake for just over six days.
She doesn't know what to say, but what she can do is shift to put her arms around him. She's here. She won't leave him in his time of need. He should lean all he needs to.]
[ He's running completely on instinct now. Ren's not strong enough to sit up on his own anymore, he's so fucknig tired and broken down, eroded away at his very foundations. All salt and water and the relentless waves of shit that's come to him for daring to open his mouth hoping for the best.
Shame is only a thing you have room for when sorrow gives it room to breathe. It doesn't give it. Ren's arms hold onto Haru like she's the last thing anchoring him to this cursed goddamn station and cries harder than he has since he was a kid that didn't know why he had to move away from his friends. ]
[This is...painful to watch. Their strong and capable leader reduced to nothing by the whims and wills of heartbreak. Was there nothing that Haru could do to help him resolve this? Probably...not. Seeing as this situation had much less to do with her and everything to do with Ryuji.
So what does she do? She holds him, lets him cry. For someone who hardly showed emotion in the face of things, who always kept the strongest face. It was just another reminder that they were indeed all very human.]
[ What Haru can do is what she's already doing. It's enough for Ren to open up to her this way, let her shield the soft underside that his Leader shell doesn't cover, endlessly relieved and saddened that it had to come to this point to make Ren share. even if it's more akin to bleeding in her direction and asking her to sponge some of that up, thanks.
Joker is compassionate when he needs to be and invulnerable the rest of the time. Beneath the mask is a kid who just had his first heartbreak, who's both at peace with the fact that it wouldn't hurt if Ryuji and he didn't share a singular bond and is absolutely devastated when that bond gets shaken to its foundations. Surprise and dismay grow with the chasm yawning open between them. It wouldn't hurt if it didn't matter.
And Haru lets him cry his way through it, maybe not the same inconsolable jag that plagued him in the hours to a full on day after his confession happened, but free of the tainted food this already feels more cathartic and healthy, in a way. It goes on until Ren can't stand himself anymore, can't stand despair holding sway for too long. Still raw, still freshly wounded, Ren maybe has the limp strength to stop clinging to Haru for the moment and lean his weight more heavily onto her shoulder instead, sniffles marring attempts to breathe deeper. ]
[But that is what friends are for in the end, right? Friends are there to pick you up when you're down. They are there to make sure that you don't get even more hurt. They're there to sponge up the mess. They're just... there. Haru will tell him as such the moment he tries to curl in on himself.
She won't allow it. He didn't allow it for her.]
Don't apologize.
[Her hands run soft and strong against his back.]
Deep breaths. If you don't breathe you will end up making yourself sick.
[ Compared to Haru Ren didn't have anything to cry about. His parents were still around, no one died and left him holding the bag, no one was expecting any more of him. Ryuji wasn't even leaving, so...
Plenty of people have had their hearts broken and gone on. Some of them were even given a reason why and not simply had to accept it. ]
There are parts in any friendship...relationship, anything. There are parts where you won't be on the same page and it will be shocking. It may hurt. But those are the trials that will make you that much stronger in the end.
[First heartbreaks are always the worst. Especially when that heartbreak happened after far too many days of sleepless nights.
She keeps him close still, a hand moving to the back of his neck to rub there.]
[ Honestly? That may be the worst part about it. Not the fact that it came out, though Ren can't say with confidence that he wasn't planning on keeping mum about it until a better time that may not have come, but that Ren was already a mess by the time Ryuji cornered him and Ren felt too shitty about avoiding him to back out gracelessly.
Ren feels the tears slow, breathing unevenly but breathing nonetheless into Haru's shoulder. He tries concentrating on the feel of her fingers of the tense muscles lining his neck, focusing on the minutiae of the movement so that he doesn't have brain power to spare for more grief. ]
Thanks, Haru. I, um -
[ He doesn't go too far when he draws away finally, getting enough room to paw at his already rubbed raw eyes, a broken sort of laugh tumbling out. ]
This is really embarrassing, sorry. I didn't ask if you're doing okay, um. Did you sleep enough?
[Haru frankly doesn't let him get too far away, rubbing the nap of his neck until she feels satisfied that he has loosened up. She has her concerns for this situation. She has her concerns for a lot right now.
She doesn't really want to talk about herself either, but she will for Ren's sake. Just so he won't worry too much.]
Please, do not apologize.
[She takes a breath.]
I'm fine, I slept for a little while. Makoto-chan did too.
[They slept close to each other, after someone moved her from the floor to her room.]
[ Really Ren isn't too bothered about that. As a person he doesn't gravitate toward extremes; the fact that Ren's first choices right now are to hold tightly to Haru or be completely alone are not good signs.
This is nice. Touch is nice and Ren isn't as starved for it as he suspects a few of his friends are but it's an antidote he needs just now. ]
You know I'm going to...
I haven't seen Makoto at all. I'm... I'm glad you weren't alone.
Haru?
[ A memory comes to him slowly - the vast and lavishly furnished living room of her home.
He saw us as very good friends.
O-Oh..Well.. that's good I suppose.. Um.. I have to go study for the finals that are coming up.. I'll see you later.
It's so much clearer now that he's experienced the same. ]
[Truthfully, she would much rather Ren come to her than be alone. So she is proud of him for that much.
She frowns a little.]
She disappeared just a few days ago, I haven't...seen her. I am frankly afraid of what this means.
[She doesn't want to think about it, if anything...please let Makoto be the one to make it home and tell everyone else that they are okay.]
Hmm? Back...then?
[Haru thinks about that moment exactly the same as Ren does, she sighs. To be rejected so thoroughly, but ever so kindly. How could she ever hold a grudge?]
Of course you did. But I was able to mend on my own time, and I didn't lose you as a friend. So that was all that mattered to me in the end.
It means... maybe we should be hopeful. If there's a way home I want us to find it, even if it means we're a little lonelier for it here.
[ Unwilling to move otherwise, Ren's eyebrows furrow again and he reaches the short distance across her lap to take her free hand, fingers running warmly over her delicate wrist, knuckles, linking together after. Some small comfort he hopes to return for what she's giving him as well as apology for a wound that's longer in the past for him than it is for her. ]
M'sorry. I sorta had an idea that that might've been what was happening, but I didn't want to...
Wow, I didn't think it'd suck this much.
[ The sniff that follows is the kind that definitely comes after the worst has passed, clearing out as best he can while the sinus pressure pushes up into his forehead. Fucking awful, gross, cleansing. ]
Is that what I should do now? It worked out pretty well for you - I mean, I'm open to suggestions, but I don't know how to stop... feeling like this. For him.
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branchandroot
no subject
Date: 2018-07-16 04:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-07-16 04:14 am (UTC)I'm alone.
no subject
Date: 2018-07-16 04:16 am (UTC)Ren-kun?
[Opening the door?]
no subject
Date: 2018-07-16 04:21 am (UTC)Occupation: Ren. Sitting on the edge of his bed on the bottom bunk and looking for all the world like he's been hollowed out on the inside, gaping, empty vistas behind his normally bright eyes. If he cared to look up for more than a few seconds to confirm who he already knows is here. ]
Hey, I'm.
I'm not okay.
no subject
Date: 2018-07-16 04:25 am (UTC)[She's going to join him on the bed, sitting next to him. He looks rough. Like he still hasn't slept despite the music stopping.]
no subject
Date: 2018-07-16 04:32 am (UTC)When the music was going. And I couldn't stop myself from telling him. Cuz I couldn't have him think I hated Ryuji, you know? I was avoiding everyone because I didn't want something bad to happen and it did anyway...
[ Here Ren starts losing his grip on his composure. Sleep did him good; hell it did them all good, but it doesn't fix anything. It just delays the hangover from the night before, so to speak.
He leans forward and buries his face into his hands without another word. ]
no subject
Date: 2018-07-16 04:40 am (UTC)[When Ren tries to close himself into that world, Haru won't let him. Pulling his hands away from his face. Holding him steady. She said she would support him.]
no subject
Date: 2018-07-16 04:56 am (UTC)Ren looks her as dead on as he can but it isn't saying much. How small he feels is reflected wholly in the broken line of his shoulders, how his hands go limp in her grip and his face is doubtlessly starting to crumble. A lip wobble, then a clenched mouth line, then the first drops framing it. ]
I love him.
And he doesn't.
no subject
Date: 2018-07-16 05:00 am (UTC)Oh. Rejection. Rejection when you are that tired must be tenfold. Perhaps Ren would have handled it more gracefully or not said anything at all if they hadn't been awake for just over six days.
She doesn't know what to say, but what she can do is shift to put her arms around him. She's here. She won't leave him in his time of need. He should lean all he needs to.]
no subject
Date: 2018-07-16 05:15 am (UTC)Shame is only a thing you have room for when sorrow gives it room to breathe. It doesn't give it. Ren's arms hold onto Haru like she's the last thing anchoring him to this cursed goddamn station and cries harder than he has since he was a kid that didn't know why he had to move away from his friends. ]
no subject
Date: 2018-07-16 07:35 pm (UTC)So what does she do? She holds him, lets him cry. For someone who hardly showed emotion in the face of things, who always kept the strongest face. It was just another reminder that they were indeed all very human.]
no subject
Date: 2018-07-17 03:47 am (UTC)Joker is compassionate when he needs to be and invulnerable the rest of the time. Beneath the mask is a kid who just had his first heartbreak, who's both at peace with the fact that it wouldn't hurt if Ryuji and he didn't share a singular bond and is absolutely devastated when that bond gets shaken to its foundations. Surprise and dismay grow with the chasm yawning open between them. It wouldn't hurt if it didn't matter.
And Haru lets him cry his way through it, maybe not the same inconsolable jag that plagued him in the hours to a full on day after his confession happened, but free of the tainted food this already feels more cathartic and healthy, in a way. It goes on until Ren can't stand himself anymore, can't stand despair holding sway for too long. Still raw, still freshly wounded, Ren maybe has the limp strength to stop clinging to Haru for the moment and lean his weight more heavily onto her shoulder instead, sniffles marring attempts to breathe deeper. ]
S-sorry...
no subject
Date: 2018-07-18 11:26 pm (UTC)She won't allow it. He didn't allow it for her.]
Don't apologize.
[Her hands run soft and strong against his back.]
Deep breaths. If you don't breathe you will end up making yourself sick.
no subject
Date: 2018-07-19 01:53 am (UTC)[ Compared to Haru Ren didn't have anything to cry about. His parents were still around, no one died and left him holding the bag, no one was expecting any more of him. Ryuji wasn't even leaving, so...
Plenty of people have had their hearts broken and gone on. Some of them were even given a reason why and not simply had to accept it. ]
I guess I just didn't expect it. You know?
We've always been on the same page.
no subject
Date: 2018-07-22 03:40 pm (UTC)[First heartbreaks are always the worst. Especially when that heartbreak happened after far too many days of sleepless nights.
She keeps him close still, a hand moving to the back of his neck to rub there.]
Everything is going to be okay.
no subject
Date: 2018-07-23 04:39 am (UTC)Ren feels the tears slow, breathing unevenly but breathing nonetheless into Haru's shoulder. He tries concentrating on the feel of her fingers of the tense muscles lining his neck, focusing on the minutiae of the movement so that he doesn't have brain power to spare for more grief. ]
Thanks, Haru. I, um -
[ He doesn't go too far when he draws away finally, getting enough room to paw at his already rubbed raw eyes, a broken sort of laugh tumbling out. ]
This is really embarrassing, sorry. I didn't ask if you're doing okay, um. Did you sleep enough?
no subject
Date: 2018-07-26 06:07 am (UTC)She doesn't really want to talk about herself either, but she will for Ren's sake. Just so he won't worry too much.]
Please, do not apologize.
[She takes a breath.]
I'm fine, I slept for a little while. Makoto-chan did too.
[They slept close to each other, after someone moved her from the floor to her room.]
no subject
Date: 2018-07-27 03:21 am (UTC)This is nice. Touch is nice and Ren isn't as starved for it as he suspects a few of his friends are but it's an antidote he needs just now. ]
You know I'm going to...
I haven't seen Makoto at all. I'm... I'm glad you weren't alone.
Haru?
[ A memory comes to him slowly - the vast and lavishly furnished living room of her home.
He saw us as very good friends.
O-Oh..Well.. that's good I suppose.. Um.. I have to go study for the finals that are coming up.. I'll see you later.
It's so much clearer now that he's experienced the same. ]
Did I hurt you? Back then?
no subject
Date: 2018-07-28 04:55 pm (UTC)She frowns a little.]
She disappeared just a few days ago, I haven't...seen her. I am frankly afraid of what this means.
[She doesn't want to think about it, if anything...please let Makoto be the one to make it home and tell everyone else that they are okay.]
Hmm? Back...then?
[Haru thinks about that moment exactly the same as Ren does, she sighs. To be rejected so thoroughly, but ever so kindly. How could she ever hold a grudge?]
Of course you did. But I was able to mend on my own time, and I didn't lose you as a friend. So that was all that mattered to me in the end.
no subject
Date: 2018-07-29 04:53 am (UTC)[ Unwilling to move otherwise, Ren's eyebrows furrow again and he reaches the short distance across her lap to take her free hand, fingers running warmly over her delicate wrist, knuckles, linking together after. Some small comfort he hopes to return for what she's giving him as well as apology for a wound that's longer in the past for him than it is for her. ]
M'sorry. I sorta had an idea that that might've been what was happening, but I didn't want to...
Wow, I didn't think it'd suck this much.
[ The sniff that follows is the kind that definitely comes after the worst has passed, clearing out as best he can while the sinus pressure pushes up into his forehead. Fucking awful, gross, cleansing. ]
Is that what I should do now? It worked out pretty well for you - I mean, I'm open to suggestions, but I don't know how to stop... feeling like this. For him.